Sunday, October 3, 2010

Cut

Hello America,

Sometimes, I write on the daily, sometimes, I don't.................

That's what you get when you get someone like me, I don't know which side of the bed I am going to be on in the morning, so it's a suprise to me as well.  All my life, I have been stubborn, some call it hardheaded, but me I call it will.  B/c that's ususally how it starts in my head, I'll just ................  I am the type of person that always just deals with obstacles and move on.  I know at times, it seems I go off on the personal, but as much bullshit as I have had to deal with, what you all read is purposeful and selected, I don't care how pissed or mad I am.  Yeah, it is always some shit you wish you would have said differently, but nothing that I can't say hey this is where I was coming from.  And that's all you can ask for out of blog with no editor, and just the approach I was coming from.

Anyway, I woke up this morning, I took a quick pic of me yesterday, I didn't like it, but I wanted to see how full my hair is because I am cutting it off today.  So just looking at that pic, just got my mind thinking.  And I realized that I have to cut some other things as well.  I think about how so many of you are going through your own battles, and even with all of this technology we still don't communicate when we really need to sometimes.

So in the spirit of my spiritual therapy brother, Glen Beck, and I mean that sincerely, we are going to have some real talk about Tiffani today.  We are going to have a real talk about life today.  B/c with politics as this point, it is real simple.  These motherfuckers want to raise taxes, increase control of your life and decrease the presence of the military in this country and across the globe.  These other motherfuckers want to cut or if not raise taxes even if that means cutting shit which means cutting jobs, decrease control of your life and let you get your own shit toegether, and ensure a strong military so that here and across the world where we do BUSINESS, YOU KNOW THAT SHIT CALLED MAKING MONEY, is always protected and handled.

It's real simple.  It's not complicated.  Some motherfuckers been in the game so long, they so dirty that even old dirty bastard(Yes, I love Wu Tang) would say that motherfucker needs a bath, some people just tired of the bullshit and are standing up like if this motherfucker can't, then I just will because this bullshit has got to stop.

It's real simple, it's nothing, that can say or be done including an attack on this country, that will depolarize where we at.  It's that fucked up and notice, I didn't even touch the economy.  Listening to Glenn Beck is for me like listening to therapist I should be going to, but I just ain't feeling the shit they are talking about.  But it's the truth and that what keeps me in the chair........

I can't do forty days, Brother Beck, when I was younger I did all of that, it didn't do nothing for me.  Not a ritual person, But what I did do b/c you right, we gotta get our spirits and hearts right for this fight.......What I did do is cut out some shit and that's where we start right about now.......

I have uterine fibroids.  At this point, I am not insecure about my feminity in any manner.  It is what it is.  It is not an uncommon problem for Black women in this country and sometimes not that serious.  However, for me it is.  When I first found out, I didn't trust and still don't trust the person who conveyed the information to me.  She was correct, however, she was not thorough in her answer.  I am from Birdie, from Hulcy from Carter, from the University of Oklahoma, from SMU, from UT-Tyler, from Pepperdine.........Honestly and seriously.  You can't come to me with a solution and not a rationale behind it.  That just doesn't work with me.

So I didn't do anything, I cancelled my follow-up appointment and I took the time to find out shit for myself.  THANK YOU TO ALL OF THOSE THAT HAVE THE COURAGE TO CANDID THROUGH THE INTERNET(remember that ability when they bring up this cyberspace security bill, he can shut down the internet for 90 and he has your records online..........) TO BE HONEST, TO ASK HONEST QUESTIONS AND GIVE HONEST ANSWERS. Thank you to the doctors and all of the medical information that is out there.

Will I have to have surgery?  Yes,........Will it be as extreme as it was presented to me at first? No,........  I read, I learned, I know my body, I am honest with myself as this is my life.  I am a strong will ass person, no doubt, but I can't muster that much metaphysical energy to get my Neo on.....I am in a not necessarily mild position of pain, but I can handle it.

I try to talk about it you know, but people are just so polarized even when it comes to me, especially when it comes to me.  I drank from 7 years old to 21.  I did damage to my body even back then.  But when I try to talk about these things and how that scares me about having surgery, motherfuckers just think I am trying to be "hard".  What need do I have to be hard?  What purpose does that serve me?  But even my loved ones have been so just ________ because I don't know the word, they can't see past jealousy or hate to see damn, what about your life was so bad that you were drinking.  Now, I wasn't going to end up no wino, I grew up on Young and the Restless, I saw what alcohol did to Katherine over the years and hey, talk about it or not, that's how I learned about a lot of social issues in life, through television and people around me just fucking up but still making it.

I can't do what I need to do in this state, I can't be who I need to be.  I got like maybe twenty to thirty five pounds extra on me.  When I have this, I am going to be attractive again, I am now to an extent, I can be honest with myself, but losing that weight, losing that constant pain, just can't do nothing but improve the way I feel, which I think does affect the way I look.

I never regretted my choices,........ I wish I could have seen some things then that I see now, but I don't ride myself b/c experience is costly..........And since I think in my mind I am meant to run some shit, how Big Boi used to think he was here to drill hoes....., I have run up a tab that would even make Alan Greenspan say now that's a big ass deficit!  But for the job and the place I am aiming for, that's just part of it.

I don't have any money, haven't worked.  Delmar is still trying to get on his feet.  I am going to keep my house, regardless.  I got utilities due in a couple of days that I don't have it for, I can only see if I can get some help.  I send out resumes everyday, I am lucky to get rejection letters.  My resume is actually allright, but I am a convicted felon in the state that I have been convicted in.  It has been 10 years, but with the economy so bad, why hire me, when smarter Tiffani don't have a record. 

I can't be mad.  Not going to be, it's not worth it.  I look around and realize that the person that is going to have to take care of me is me.  Just out of surgery, don't matter.  BUT SO MANY OF YOU DO THAT WITH CHILDREN, WITH PARENTS to take care of, so don't think I am bitching..........I'm not.  Just a little scared is all.  I have been hustling my whole life, and no ghetto kings and queen, selling dope, ass or stolen cars ain't the only way to hustle.  Baby, this is America.  Hustling is finding a way to get the shit you need to do what you need to do to get what you want.  It's real simple. 

I was raised to find a way, I was raised to make a way if ain't one.  I was raised to do for myself.  I have been treated so bad in some ways, I can't afford to trust nobody but me.  I have done so much shit, been into so much shit, that the thought of even an out-patient procedure scares me because I know the enemies I have out there.  But after a couple of events yesterday, I just accepted the fact that I just have to put myself in God's hands and cut out the bullshit that I can just will this shit away, that I won't have to deal with a LOT of shit in my personal life and make some grown ass woman decisions about a lot of this shit when I get better because I won't have no excuse about why I can't look better or feel better no more.

So with that, I am going to call the doctor back tomorrow and get my follow-up exam.  I can put all of this out here because the shit with fraud in my name is so deep, there are those who are salivating at the chance for me to just hemmorage out, end up in a coma, be a permanent check.  I just cut out the middle man and put enough people on my publisher's list, that who I want to know will know relatively quickly.  Am I going back to Parkland for surgery, no.

Which makes me appreciate the health care system, we have now before all this shit gets fucked up.  I thank God that I am able to "Find" the money to pay for the doctor I feel comfortable with that has my health priorities in mind.  I am cutting back on fussing and trying to increase faith that I can find work to pay for my health care bill and get this shit out of the way and get ready for the fabulous life known as mine can begin.....

So with that, I am going to cut this here and I hope that I given you enough honesty today where you can see where I am coming from.  Why I am not necessarily interested in some vanity issues right now, because I have my life in my hands and I ain't got no money, and I am too tired to sell dope.  Just too much drama.

I cut out the bullshit, GOP/Tea party candidates, I suggest you do to.  B/c it's all or nothing this time, and me and sarah Palin ain't going to be the only motherfuckers, Obama will fry if we don't end this tyranny of a congress.  We definetly going to be at the front of the list, NO DOUBT, BECK, RUSH, AND ABOUT 10 OTHER FOLK PROBABLY ALL GET DONE AT ONE TIME.  But we ain't going to be the only ones.

Was that enough Brother Beck, not that it's up to you to judge the merits of my disclosure, but I mean do you see that although everybody may not go about it the way that you are, WE DO LISTEN AND WE VALUE YOU, I SAW THE WAY YOU WALKED OFF YOUR SHOW LAST WEEK.  I saw the resignation and worry in your pace.  We listening, I'm not going to promise we going to like it.  But at least for me, I heard enough to cut some shit out.

I hope that was enough for you too, America.  B/c that's all you are going to get, I just try to show you all sometimes, that everybody hurts...........Everybody got issues, stop hating on folk just b/c they issues involve shit you dream about, unless you can walk in everyone's shoes.  SHUT THE FUCK UP SOMETIMES.  STOP THINKING THAT EVERYBODY GOTTA BE HARD.  THAT EVERYBODY GOTTA HAVE THIS CAR OR THIS TO SAY THEY GOT SOMETHING. B/C IN THE END, IN THE HONEST END. Most of you, America, most of you motherfuckers are going to be average, but what the hell is wrong with that in this country.  Face it, most of you all not being mean, just being real, can't handle the responsibilities of being wealthy fuck a rich, most of you all, all races, can't pass by a set of rims, a pair of diamond studs, some ass, a key of coke or crack or meth, without all of your money gone with it.

It takes work to invest money, to diversify funds, to set up scholarships and foundations and such.  It takes work to network, to prod, to "lobby" because the more money you get, the more lives you impact and NO SIMPLE MINDED MOTHERFUCKERS, I AM TALKING ABOUT MORE THAN SOME DUDE RUNNING A BLOCK.  EXPAND YOUR MIND. THINK ABOUT THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO TAKES CUTS FROM ALL THE BLOCKS NOT JUST IN YOUR HOOD, BUT IN THE CITY, IN THE COUNTY, IN THE STATE, IN THE REGION. THINK BIGGER THAN POOKIE WHO USED TO SIT ON 27'S.  Expand your shit, damn!

Most of you too motherfucking bitter, petty, simple-minded to be rich on the levels that Obama wants you to hate.  B/C UNLESS YOU ARE BORN RICH, IT TAKES WORK TO GET THAT LEVEL OF MONEY AND MOST OF YOU NIGGAS OF ALL RACES ARE TOO MOTHERFUCKING LAZY! Be thankful for people that employ so you don't have to spend your time trying to keep mulitple lives afloat.  MOST OF YOU ALL KNOW DAMN WELL, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE NO PROBLEM SITTING ON YOUR ASS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH A MILLER/BUDWEISER as long as you ain't gotta worry about no bills.  That can happen when you broke and got just enough to keep the lights on.  It's real simple.

But when you got bread on another level, it's so much deeper than that.  I AM NOT GOING TO FUCKING APOLOGIZE FOR WANTING SHIT! I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE THAT A SIMPLE HOME IN THE SURBURBS SIMPLY AIN'T ENOUGH FOR ME.  YOU KNOW WHY?  B/C I AM THE SAME PERSON WHO WILL GO EASILY AND DROP 10K AT A FOUNDATION DINNER FOR SOME DISEASE.  I AM THE BITCH WHO WILL GO AND PAY FOR THE SCHOOL LIBRARY TO  BE UPDATED AND DON'T NEED HER NAME ON THE BUILDING.

I am willing to pay the costs and bear the responsibilities of being rich, so HELL YES, I AM GOING TO ENJOY THE BENEFITS.  B/C YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GET RID OF ALL THESE HATING, SIMPLE PETTY MINDED MOTHERFUCKERS YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH HAVING MONEY AND IT'S USUALLY PEOPLE IN YOUR OWN CIRCLE.  SUCKING THEY TEETH THINKING OF HOW MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING WITH YOUR OWN SHIT.  And that's why I am from Carter and ain't going to apologize, that's why I am from Good Street.


Everybody got purpose in this world, ain't no need to let Obama and these broke lazy ass fools break this country, B/C WORK IS HARD AND THIS SYSTEM IS OUT OF WACK.  You know what's out of wack, got damn parents, these kids need some fathers and some mothers.  Maybe if we stop having so many kids without some damn daddies, we wouldn't have so many bitter motherfuckers out here so young.  I see single women, men and married couples in Dallas, raising their kids with some damn sense.  And when are we going to stop apologizing for not being hard when it is the worker's paychecks that put MONEY IN A REAL HUSTLER'S HANDS. 

It don't work the other way around...........................Grow the fuck up, some of you! We trying to get this paper to set up generations for life, you trying to get a couple of dollars to let nasty nancy suck your stuff for supposedly free got now you got some rims (no real persons, you get my point).

Cut out the bullshit.

AND THOSE BAD ,AWFUL, EVIL RICH PEOPLE B/C ALTHOUGH I AM BROKE NOW, GIVE ME SIX MONTHS, LET ME HEAL........ are going to be rich whether you ass can afford these taxes obama is going to put on us or not I KNOW YOU DON'T THINK THE SYSTEM IS GOING TO STOP BECAUSE YOUR ASS CAN'T COMPETE NO MORE.  GET REAL. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE AMERICA, YOUR PLACE IS JUST CHANGING IN IT, but money don't stop nobody from being human.  The ironic part is that you can never get broke motherfuckers to see past materials things whether they have money or not and you can never get rich motherfuckers to  see past things money CAN'T buy whether they have money or not.

I AM GOING TO BE ME, AND I AIN'T WORRIED ABOUT NO MOTHERFUCKER THAT IN THE END, DON'T HAVE LOVE FOR ME.  I AIN'T WORRIED ABOUT NOBODY BEING EMBARRASSED TO BE AROUND ME B/C I KNOW WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. I KNOW UNTIL I GET WELL THIS IS WHAT IT IS GOING TO BE.

B/c at the end of the day, I am going to always be Tiffani El Dawn whether its Mims or Meadows that is not up to me entirely.  But I am always going to be the fabulous motherfucker that I am....... at any time in my life.  I took a break from mine to ensure that someone I loved had a way to make it for himself b/c I love him that much.  Now, it is time for me.  Don't think America, that people on the right can't relate to the same shit you going through.

let's all cut the bullshit.

Bigg Mann

Don't you see that line of satisfied customers leaving............. ask them where he at?
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