Sunday, November 14, 2010

Cornhusker Blue

Hello America,

I am sorry about last night.  Some real foul things happened, or didn't happen in some regards and I didn't have time to really explain.  I needed a quick sure way to let everyone know especially in the cities mentioned and Mr. Obama personally that despite the dirty pool that was being played,

still swimming...............

ain't drowning.  Don't you know each and every day, I'm that convict like John the Baptist that walked out onto the water and when my mere mortal faith allowed me to plunge into the water, it is that same faith that allowed me to not drain, to not painc knowing, KNOWING MY GOD was going to save me.

Some of you need to realize that I live in those waters(i am using a metaphor, people).

I can't see that good, never have been able to.  I have always been the ugly duckling when I was younger, I was always the one that folk took for granted. After certain things happened to me, I only encouraged that sentiment about myself.  When people are not threatened, they tend to relax be themselves.

Although it may not seem like it from my crass use of verbage,(yes, I too studied my SAT prep words and the GRE for that matter), I really am pretty good at psych.  I know psychology is one of those catch all majors in undergrad for some, but honestly, I am pretty good at what I do.  I should have finished law school and went back and got my master's in psych.  I like to not necassarily profile, but I find myself as I get older without even a cognitive thought about, I like to build body language and tendecies databases.  I notice everything, and even though I don't do it on purpose, I find myself alerted silently when a person breaks their normal routine of communication.

Saying that and yes there is a point, politically, this morning.

So with that, we are going to find a way to a frank talk about sex, faith, and gridlock.  How?

let's find out,

DJ SPIN that!

You know how some crayola colors don't make sense.  Cornhusker blue is one of those colors.  People, I am not crazy, may not be sane all the time, yes I am..........I really am.  i don't try to hide any issues from you, America, why? b/c sooner or later, the cameras are coming and I am not the one to pay the mafia nor church for blackmail..........why? that money can be used somewhere else.

So, as I alluded to yesterday, I have problematic relationships with some females.  I purposely do so.  It is my safety net, if you will.  I purposely keep those type of relationships in which nothing can happen around because it keeps me from engaging in relationships in which EVERYTHING will go down.  Do you understand what I am trying to tell you America, or do the kids really need to leave the room.........

Sex is something that will always be taboo to an extent for politicians, you can't really win for losing with that subject.  Outside of the spouse and two children, not a lot of room for deviance.  Look at Sarah Palin, she got five kids by one man, her husband, but in some eyes that's too many.  Or her daughter Bristol having a baby outside of wedlock, they all in the end are core issues revolving about sex.  Who should have it, how many times, with whom.

I push the envelope on purpose because I am tired of seeing candidates railroaded because they have some woman on the side.  Now am I advocating adultery, no...........but unless laws are broken, we are not going to fill 2012 with story after story because Mr. Ensign could not keep Mr. E in his pants...........(told you, there is always a point).

Although I have not cheated, I am notorious for keeping unattainable women around.  What can I say, they find me?  It doesn't matter where I am, I am always within two weeks of a new surrounding going to be approached by some woman whose going to say, I can do something with you, get your mind right, fix you up a little bit(trying to be clean for Sunday) and I am the type of woman if we feeling each other to say go ahead do what you do to an extent.

Now keep in mind, none of this is done without any of these women knowing the presence that Delmar has in my life.  He may not deserve all the time, but that is for me to judge.  I have been the "other" woman in love triangles, it sucks......I am too much of a control freak for that.  Anyway, there always comes to a point with these unapproachable women where we reach a cross. And these are the types of females that say no, and knowing WHO I AM, because I don't mince words, if I am attracted to you and I want to keep our friendship cool.  I'll let you know, hey man, don't need to see all that, etc.  Anyway, these are the type of females that say no, hear what I just said and then decide to change clothes just for the hell of it. Or have some suggestive conversations.

Sex is sex sometimes, but sometimes sex is barometer of power between two peoples.  I am not so lustful that I can't handle myself in any situation.  I may FEEL like ripping your clothes off, BUT I also feel like going up to the white house for some realtalkforrealpeople justice as well....

So one day, I met this beatiful woman.  Which I do all the time.  It's not like I am supermodel, it's just the damndest women come on to me, to the point where I am like are you sure you are talking to me.  It happens.  Anyway, I am changing details because this is a real person.  So I met this woman and it is in a professional setting and we really are talking about this and that.  We go out to lunch a couple of times, I am a lunch/dinner type person, I always love to go out to eat.

She looks at me and says "Tiffani, we can't do this, because I can't see you hurting like this.  I can't bear to see you being treated the way you are."  And those words, hurt a lot.  Because she was talking hurt I hadn't discussed with her.  It's not like I had bruises on me or anything like that.  But her candor, her earnestness of her words just caught both of us off guard........ B/c she was right, I was being treated like shit, going through all types of hell with the dean at pepperdine, it was a bad situation, but as always I'm functioning you know, I'm making it.

She knows she's hurt me for real.  My face hasn't changed, the smile hasn't left my mouth, but it has my eyes.  She had the biggest bluest eyes I have ever seen in my life, said with love.......She had those cornhusker blues.  I don't date outside of my race, even women because I was always like I don't want to screw up any kids, it's hard enough being one race and I don't want to offend because if you think this language is bad, catch me at home......

I didn't love this woman because she was white.  I loved her because she was real and the love she was talking about giving me was real.  Love, people, not sex.  You can get the later in the bathroom of any club, the former most spend a lifetime looking for it.  But here it is, in my face.  But she has a man, an professional athlete and I did too.  I am not giving up mine, she ain't giving up hers.

So we pass and time does as well.  We see each other again casually, you know me, I am pretty popular, like to run my mouth in real life, we have mutual friends, associates, all that.  She comes up to me and says hey let's hang out for a minute, cool.  We do a couple of times and then she says to me "Tiffani, this is just too much on me, we can't do this."  Now if we were sleeping together, this would have made sense.  But we weren't, not dating or anything. just lunch and some real conversations about race, about Obama(she was pro-Obama and had no problem telling me about it), just shit you know.

I was hurt, not at the thought of losing something or someone I never had, just at the thought of finding a friend and to have her cut it off like that.  I was at that time going to therapy and my therapist said something to the effect after I described the situation to her that Tiffani hurt people hurt people.

Of course, I am not going to agree.  I felt like cornhusker blue wasn't angry or hurt.  The therapist replied how do you know, Tiffani.  She knows that seeing you, allowing you all's friendship to build and cutting it off is going to hurt you.  The therapist knew both of us, professionally and personally.  Now in real life, no therapist is going to engage in a conflict of interest like that, so just go with the story.  She explained to me and showed me how this pattern of wanting to be with those who withhold love has been with me my whole life.  She showed me how cornhusker blue in some ways was just as destructive as a physical confrontation with Delmar.  And to wrap the story up, she really did care, but she was screwing with me on purpose as well.  Wasn't her fault, I have filed a lot of charges on people and because the shit is true, the only way to negate those cases is through character assisnation.........and that's what made it hurt all the more because she purposely fucked with my feelings.  But we all get put in situations, so I got over it.

But I love her, and I always will.  And I can't get mad at a grown woman for just fucking with somebody because she and I both know that it was a situation that couldn't be, not at least at this time.  And although I haven't seen this person in years, those eyes stay close to my heart. 

I just went through another one of these situations.  However, this person was black.........knew me....just a totally different situation.  And once again, I do what I do.  But we are here, in Dallas, around people who know me.  And because of the fact when I let statements out of my mouth like I'll run for President it's taken seriously.  I had to endure this type of situation again, quite recently.  Mixed messages, all this type of stuff.

This time a lot more was at stake, because the master plan involved wonder mike's people, I was supposed to end up in jail the psych ward or maybe both.

There was a lot of drama surrounding this current cornhusker if you will this morning.  Of course, she called when Delmar was in the car and he chose to eavesdrop when I was talking to her.  And just drama after drama.  The drama ended yesterday, peacefully and quietly.

But I use today to serve as a warning because the church that was involved this time was Concord.  A lot of black OU alumni attend there, the pastor and his wife of the church went to OU and I know them, not close, but I know them.  And this church is right down the street from where I grew up, where I sold dope, where I did a lot of shit.  frankly........  There is just a lot of people, good hardworking people, that have been using my identity, to obtain health care jobs, all types of shit and it is the churches down here that make a way.

I don't take it personal what you all are pulling.  I don't think it's magic how this person's bullshit and delmar's jealousy find a way to intertwine every time.  It's business, a lot of you all helped people committ fraud and don't nobody care why you did it.  You did it.

I allowed, encouraged, wrote, texted, mailed all that a situation because I knew that this person was simply a pawn and I wanted to see where the source of the bullshit was really coming from.  This is my life, people, this is not a game.

I have filed so many charges that they cannot be erased, the only chance those who oppose me living my life has is to get my locked up.  Why?  I am officially over ten years since my felony, I can apply for a lot of work next year, if there is some to have because I can clear a background check.  That means I can get on my  feet. that means all that are around me saying she on drugs, she crazy, she in jail as justification for using my identity are rendered helpless..........

This is about health care and immigration reform on the rawest levels.  These churches have brought these folk over here, I am not going to continue to let them use my identity, I have pressed charges, people's medical conditions ain't going to stop, they need their medication, they need my life.  I need my life.

So tomorrow, we'll get back down to business.  Obama's trip just involved more for some than for others, DIDN'T IT BARACK. 

ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS, HUH, BARACK?  JUST DIRTY FUCKING POOL ALL THE WAY AROUND, BUT I'M STILL HERE......AIN'T I?  AIN'T BEAT UP, HAD TO FIGHT NO BOYFRIENDS NONE OF THAT, DID I, BARACK, DID I DALLAS, DID I CONCORD, DID I OKC?

I AM GOING BACK TO WORK AS SOON AS I GET A JOB AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU ALL CAN DO ABOUT IT AND WHAT HAPPENS FROM THAT FOR ANYONE IS SIMPLY GOING TO HAVE TO BE ENDURED.............

SORRY, I HAVE MY LIFE TO LIVE.

I ain't mad or obsessed with anyone.  If I wanted to get some on the side, I don't have to try hard at all.  Just step outside and look around.  when you my age, no kids, no diseases, great in bed, got a tad bit of sense, it don't take much to get somebody, at all.

I sat there looking across from someone that I will always consider a friend, wishing that crayola had a color named for her.  I am not at a point where I need to cheat, not at a point where I need to do something just to do something.  Been there, done that.

I put shit out there, so folk like Ensign can make it right with their personal folk, admit a mistake, and let the people judge him on his merits.  A lot of you all aren't realizing how much blackmail is used and enforced with over sexual situations.  Politicians have sex, just like everybody else.  they cheat, they love, they fuck, whatever.

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT IN THE TIMES TO COME, WE ALL HUMAN AND THOSE ON THE HILL ARE NO EXCEPTION.

AND TO MY FOLK ON CAMP WISDOM, YOU ALL NEED TO REALIZE THAT THERE IS A REASON THEY CALL ME YODI ON 54TH AND FIGUEROA.  THERE IS A REASON BETWEEN MY IN-LAWS AND THEY BULLSHIT, MY FAMILY AND THEY BULLSHIT, THE OBAMA TEAM AND THEIR PERSONAL BULLSHIT TOWARDS ME, I AM STILL HERE..............

I ain't drowning.

that reason is my complete faith in the God I serve to jump off into any body of water that I deem necessary and not drown.

To ask you to stop, camp wisdom, is to waste time.

to ask you America, to realize and put sexual behavior in its proper context with politicians ain't a waste of time, but I know it's hard for some of you all.  Politicians are not role models, they are people who work with people to get shit done for their people.

I don't hate anyone, I do love the hoes...........no need to lie, said with a smile.  I believe in a man/woman relationship not because of Delmar but because I have learned that the exquisite balance between man and woman is something that God intended because it is balance. 

I am not perfect by any means.  But all of these facts about my personal life, don't take one iota away from the fact that I am going to have an impact on this country through politics. 

And because of crayolas named cornhusker blue, I was ready for the bullshit of mocha coffee(just making up a color).

Let's start off tomorrow, with business.  Let's start, MINISTERS AND PASTORS, with honesty for your congregation that these plans to lock my black ass up ain't going to work.  Let's start, BARACK AND YOUR PEOPLE, with honesty that I am going to get your ass up out of there.

AND THERE IS NOTHING, NOTHING, NONE OF YOU ALL CAN DO ABOUT IT, IF YOU COULD KILL ME, I WOULD BE DEAD ALREADY.........

and we all know that that's the truth.

Who would have thought that a box of crayolas would teach me all that? 

I ain't mad at nobody, ain't going to be no more "harrassment", I just needed to see where the bullshit is from.

Didn't mean to play nobody, didn't want to hurt nobody, but I don't have one single person in my life at this point that I can say that hasn't been bought or made a deal with in my personal life and I have to make decisions accorrdigly.  These identity theft people need me crazy, dead or in jail.

that's all, sorry America, Dallas and Obama just really showed their asses since his asia trip and there is some shit that needed to be addressed.

i'll be back tomorrow.
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