Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Book of Reporters (Chap 12 cont.........)

Hello America,

It is with deep regret and sadness I write with today.  Regret only in the sense that I wish I were powerful enough to stop everything and solve everything with no problems, with no unexpected consequences, but I am thankful that I am not.  Sadness in the sense of time is coming towards an end for me in certain ways and not my life.

I'm here this morning..................

Yesterday, my flash drive with all of school information was stolen.  I know because I know who took it and who she gave it to.   Let me just say this.......knowing every word that I wrote, reading all these documents, don't make you me.  Won't make you me.  If for some reason a Hurricane Katrina hit Los Angeles, and Pepperdine just happened to lose their records of me, you think learning what you all think is me is going to let you pass.......

Pepperdine, you had me at that school for two years, don't you think you know me well enough to know I am not going to let that happen.  Yes, I forget details...but they come back.  I know the name I just forgot at the moment, but the larger issue is this.  I know.  I know why this female has been given a cloned phone of mine so what my inflections, so she can tweet when I am not online and it appears from my phone. 

You all, not too bright, you build a timeline for any prosecutor to follow. But then again, this is Dallas County as someone reminded me yesterday, and I apologize for the length as we have a story and some serious discussion about some pressing issues.  It is going to be long because tomorrow for safety reasons, I can't write.  I won't be here tomorrow. 

Dallas County who has already shown me time and time again, that ain't no love for little Tiffani El Dawn.......not with the regime that is in now.  What's that thing Karl Rove that Obama spoke so passionately about...........#change?  Yeah, that's it.  Change is all the in eye of the beholder is not?

There is a thought among these very real individuals who work as a very effective team, as a circle of some of the people I trust in my life and have contact with everyday that I am not going to make it back to California because they know, KNOW what they are doing to ensure that I don't.  But I am not moving there, just going to school

All I am going to say to all of you all..................all y'all.....................each and every person I talk to more than once a week.

You all are in my prayers, My God shall handle this.

Yeah, I filed some reports because I know between Sunday and probably Tuesday, you all are going to try to kill me.  Either through enraging Delmar, which is not likely at all but still probable it's some folk that start mess from time to time that engage in twittering on my account and things of that nature, some accident as we almost had one this morning, with a dude just running out in front of us, my flash drive gone, my books and paperwork from school, all my graduate hard copy stuff was stolen last year.

You all think you got it all figured out because you got Dallas County, huh?  B/c y'all been here living and profiting off my life and got your team, huh?

B/c you got your wannabe Tiffani all ready because she got you all by the cajones, huh?

B/c I got a mama and a sister who just don't really realize I stay quiet because I love them and when I have to leave them alone, more than likely it will be a long time before we speak again....and that hurts me because that's my childhood, man.........but life is life and it's so hard to get them to acknowledge that although my way may be different, I have moved on here, I got love, I GOT LOVE IN DALLAS............I have a life waiting for me.

That's why you all think I am going to break?  not be here?  get arrested? get hurt?

Trusting God more than anything, more than anything..........more than anything I can say about faith, fellowship or freedom this morning in a personal sense allowed me TO FACE THE TRUTHS OF MY LIFE. 

We are winding down the book of reporters..........I had this whole concept of writing and really just doing a lot of reading, giving my take on different articles and stuff.  God didn't have it that way.  We learned about choices in acts, we learned about facing fiscal truths as we must support Paul Ryan in entitlement reform, the time is now, it sucks to no end...........I know.

But most people in my generation have accepted it's over, so let it be over.  Let us have a chance to have a plan.

I digress....I digress....We learned about the power of truths that we cannot change in the book of John.  We learned the nuances and the futility to an extent of our choices due to corruption and power through the book of o, BUT THIS BOOK WAS NOT FOR YOU TO LEARN.

Apparently, it was for me.  To help me face the truths in my life that I cannot change.  To help me face the truths I cannot change, and accept the responsiblity of the consequences of my choices.  This is where we start today...........

In God's hands, In God's house and we already know that God can be whatever you meant it to be, I use it in reference because I grew up at Good Street Baptist Church.......

Today, as this is a true story, to an extent.  Today, I went outside early and I prayed to the east.  For some reason, I like to pray before the day really gets started, while the purity of newness is still on the ground....... 

God sent me a message that he wanted to me to go somewhere so I got in the car.  I don't drive anymore anyway.  I am getting used to a driver, really I prefer it.   Hard to explain, anyway.  I just look out the window, doesn't matter where we are going because when you ain't driving, it's not in your hands.

We end up at Lake Erie, in Cleveland, Ohio.........I smile.  I remember this lake, I remember the orange of it, I was so used to theblues of both coasts, I had never seen water like this, not even in the clears of florida, the depths of the everglades.

White foam at the ends, and an orange that made me instantly understand the cleveland browns colors.....It matches the leaves....I stand and I look and lo and behold, there is Gerald Levert.  Now, when I was young, Gerald Levert was it for me, I loved Levert the group, I loved his solo career.  There are only three voices that I truly, truly miss on the men's side.  Donny Hathaway, Luther Vandross (class..........), and Gerald Levert.  There is not a time I don't hear a song from them and think, I miss my brother's voices......

Anyway, I speak, not one to do the fan thing, that's just not me. 

He tells me ......"Jesus had asked me......."

I interject " I know talk to me, I know.........."

We laugh, it breaks the ice.  I am just looking at the water.......

He says"Tiffani, you trying to save folk that are trying to kill you, literally......  When you are going to start loving you enough to let someone love you that loves you enough to be loyal?  This ain't no joke.  It ain't.  They gave that girl your life and the school is going to cover their tracks and let them do it.  What are you going to do?"

I nod......."Be me.  Be God's child.  Walk my path.  Don't deter from my essence........Not going to change and be some monster, I ain't meant to be.  I ain't no killah like that, not on these levels, but I did kind of murder Donna Brazile on twitter the other day though.....(laughing)......Man, all bs aside.  I can't make nobody stop or do nothing and neither can they.  We all grown folk.  This my life and if this is some either you can live or I can live thing, what...........  I am staying in Dallas and I am going to school, I mean it's my life.....I don't want nobody to go to jail, but these folk won't quit, maybe it will help them, it's better than getting killed.....They gotta just tell people they got got. that's my opinion, but that's why I got God on that.... I want to live, is that what Jesus needs to hear? "

"Nah............" with that ever so delicious baritone voice............"He just want to make sure, you going to trust him.  and he is just preparing you by letting you see a little more, let people see how you are going to react, let people build a case against these folk trying to harm you.  It's going to hurt, Tiffani.......Ain't no song, ain't no pill, ain't no needle, ain't no pipe, ain't no one night stands going to solve that hurt, Tiffani"

I never stop looking at Lake Erie "I know...........You know going through that yesterday is it Gerald or Mr. Levert, b/c I don't want to disrespect you......."  He says for the fact that you asked go ahead with makes you comfortable....

I go on"I didn't get mad like I used to, outside of just expressing frustration that I was honestly just tired.  I didn't get engraged.  I ddin't get hurt like I thought I would.  B/c God has been preparing's okay.  people gotta do what they gotta do, we all do.  Now, I am going to get what I am going to get, regadless.  I got connects and folk all over this nation, these people worried about Dallas County, I am running with presidential candidates...

They ain't going to let nothing happen to me, this ain't the time for blowing up names or details, God got me...I trust in that, I trust my sister Michelle Bachmann, she got paperwork from me to do what she gotta....... "

"You sure, Tiffani?"

"I walk this streets everyday, I hug the same folk who put knives in my back whether it be with regret or not don't matter.  I know that this can't go on, I know I gotta get back to Cali to finish school and I know I gotta help my country and I gotta do that by walking the words that I talk about with God.  I know something has got to give, I know why God even though he knew this battle would come brought me home to fight this battle before I go back to Los Angeles for school, but I am staying here.....

This time I won't be Tiffani El Dawn Mims from Tyler, Texas. I will be Tiffani El Dawn Mims from Dallas.....Where will my hood pass take me this time will explain a lot of why I was treated the way I was down here... But I am not fighting this one, God got me.  I gotta go, gotta eat breakfast, but can you do me one favor?"

As I am walking away, Mr. Levert......

Mr. Levert sings what I asked him to, but when I turn around I hear the melodies of Donny and Luther in the background with Mr. Hathaway on the keys..... and he bellows so powerfully but so softly.... and the background arrangement that the other two put on this song, has me weeping so loudly leaving with the salt of Lake Erie mixed with the salt of my own tears on my I walk back to the car.

"Turn down the lights, turn down the bed.....
Turn down these voices in my head.
Lay down with me, tell me no lies.
Just hold me close, don't patronize, don't patronize me....

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel what something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't.

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me until then to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me, when you don't.
You can't make your heart feel something that it won't.
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours.
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't.
Cause I can't make you love me, when you don't."

My point as the story ends right there.  Is this is not about my parents, my sister, Delmar, it is not.  That is my way of saying, it's okay.  It's been okay.  I know.......I know......Because if you all loved me the way I do you, then you would have never done me this way.  I get it, so and so needs this, me and my girls run deep, we live off of this, yada, yada............

So what?  Who don't have issues or teams?  Dallas County is going to eat all those little words......the world is bigger than Dallas and Texas.........I know............I know......Texas, I didn't believe it until I saw it for myself.....BIG SMILE!

I embrace the love I have for a lot of you all because there is no need to deny that the source of my hurt because i try to love and be nice to these folk and they just keep on..., so trusting God and doing right for me will allow me to get through it.  There is a struggle that we must understand will costs one side or the other our lives.

I will not go to California and not finish school.  I will not be in Dallas and not work.  I am sorry.  I am not really worried about your networks....I got networks.  You threw some freaky parties........I am the afterparty, so what.  This is about no outside circles, this is all in-house and I am tired of it, but I am not going to do anything about it. 

God is.  I am going to work if I am blessed with a job an opportunity to catch up, I am going to paid my tuition and I am going to graduate, sore and all because I am having my surgery. And I am going on with my life.  I know God is going to rectify the situation where my health, safety and sanity will be no longer at risk on this level.

I trust God.  So let's just play this out, see how I am here, Monday or Tuesday. and when that day comes I need my books and my flash drive back and the other one to stay out of my twitter accounts and such as I did press charges with ATT.

I don't really care what you did, I pretty much know in the end, you really didn't give a darn about me to do it, none of you........and that's allright with me.  I love me, I got the love of some really good friends....far and close, and I got the love from God that is in my heart.  That's enough for me, but I will come back to LA for school looking good and feeling good and all those lies THAT YOU ALL TOLD AND SPREAD TO KEEP THIS SMUGGLING THESE AFRICANS OVER HERE HUSTLE......

Baby, y'all gotta eat those words, but I did ask God to give you a spoon though, don't want you to miss any portion of that......

Onto issues.........

I thought it ironic that Palin is a union member, kind of brings a different perspective.  But let's face it, people, with the Japan thing going on. NO MEDIA ATTENTION ABOUT THE BUDGET. 6 BIL, 3 WEEKS, IS OKAY, BUT NO MORE CR, WE NEED A BUDGET. YES, OBAMA WE KNOW THAT THE TSUNAMI WARNING SYSTEM IS ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK.








that's all I have a whole day of IT and cleaning up messes from this latest hacking.

BUT I get it, so should you.  I can't make you all love me enough to stop doing what you do.  You are going to justify your bs until the day you die, I get it.

But as those three brothers reminded me this morning, for every person around me that don't love me, if I just remove myself and get back up on my feet, then the people who I KNOW, I KNOW got love for me will be around me.  Not moving to California, simply going to school.

Get over it.

Dallas County, I got national ties......and while Dallas runs things, look around most of the people in Dallas, ain't from here, your blackmail don't mean nothing to them nor I.

#presidentialpoliticsinitsrawestform so you trust you and your actions, I am going to trust God.

and we'll see who is here next week.  That's all, America, my life is the only money that's on the table.  I will send one post to let you know I'm okay tomorrow.

and one monday............

this is an inhouse matter.
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