Monday, March 14, 2011

The Book of Reporters (Chapter 15)-Quick Preview-will finish by the end of the hour, here's a sneak peek

Hello America,

I apologize...........I did some spring cleaning yesterday, woke up a little tired and a lot on my mind.  Today is the 14th, but out of fairness to myself and to you all, tomorrow will the last book of reporters.  We move on to the next book, I haven't decided what to name it.

This is the format today, I am going to address the issues first(palin, obamacare, budget, guns education and Obama), then I am going to tell a story, and then I am going to address a personal decision that I have to publish on here as this is the only way I can communicate with certain individuals.....  This is one of the hardest posts I have ever had to write, so please keep me in your prayers and bear with me. 

This is my life...........

And right now ain't pretty.

Actually, I am going to go with my gut, I am going to tell a story first, then address a personal situation in order to address the issues named.

Y'all ready, let's go. you have to bear with me because I am crying writing this.........

As I have mentioned over the years, I think as this blog is officially three years old this month, lent and the easter holiday are a lot of problems down here.  In Texas, symbols mean a lot.  Easter is the sign of fertility and children.....so it is only an irony that a true texan can understand why this time of year is so hectic on me. 

I am going to tell a story, a true story today and as we close this book of reporters, we won't have any more stories with so much detail unless my safety is at risk.  Did I need to dramatize my life to get readers no?  I put out whatever type of scenarios I felt like possibly could have been presented to me this weekend to keep them from happening......  From being beat, to clothes cut up, to my glasses being hidden from me(that's something serious as I can't see........), the closer I get to wrapping up this case the more things happen.

Yesterday, was hard on me.  Everyone in my life shunned me.........Didn't call, none of that.  Delmar went to work supposedly, probably just hung out, left me with three dollars and wouldn't pick up the phone.  I am getting to the point I am used to that.  The person who is still utilizing my name is his family member.  He can't be on the phone with me and be on the phone with her.  He has made his choice where his loyalties lie.......Can't be mad, can't do nothing but respect it.

I cleaned up my home.  Spring is spritual for me.....I believe honestly in the need for spring cleaning, I believe that it sets the tone for the year, and although it started in Jaunary.  I tend to respect the dates of the astrological calender.......We are approaching Aries....My 1st house, yes I used to do charts is ruled by Leo and Virgo, which means I am coming out of a Gemini and Leo 12th house.  dual personality and arrogance......what a way to end the  year.

The first house in astrology represents loosely, as we are not going to get deep into this, your presentation to the world if you will.  My house is ruled by Leo, the sign of summer, the sign of stars and loving attention, but I am a Capricorn. The leo influence exaggrates some of the common complaints about me, arrogant, can't tell her anything......., but it also adds fire to my personality, due to the fact that Leo is a fixed sign, it adds more of a smoldering fire type attitude to my personality versus the blaze of Aries or the fickle nature of Sagitarius......

I cleaned up my house.  My back is killing me.  Don't think I understand why some of you all get addicted to these pills.  The pain sucks. 

I sit down after awhile and it occurs to me that nobody is home, nobody called, nobody is around.  It is just me.  And the realization that at that moment God is trying to tell me something, that I get overwhelmed. 

God says to me"Tiffani, you are alone for a reason............Me, that's all you got. These folk are not going to help you, anymore.  They need you to move out of this house.  They can't afford for the lick(scam) to end.....If you do what I think you are going to do, understand that this is it.  There won't be no Delmar, there won't be no sister, no mama......That's over with"

I nod.............I simply say "I know.  I know........."

"What are you going to do Tiffani?

I smile through the tears.........."Keep doing what I do.  My path doesn't stop because this is the part where can't nobody walk with me.  I'll be allright.......I know you got things to do, I saw the Japan thing on the news......"

God nods..... God and I are at a different point in our relationship.  He knows things that I can't discuss on here, he knows that the rumors of me being crazy or on drugs, or stalking or whatever are false, he knows why I have to just bear through it. He's seen me just lose all the feelings I can possibly have for some folk.  He's seen me grow up, what else can I say?

I am at a crossroads, where i can go to down debauchery drive, or bull boulevard or a variety of roads... I am fresh out of rehab in the sense that I don't use drugs or alcohol in any form be it recreational or whatever, when I got problems.  I pray.  I go through the pain, no longer numb myself from it.  I am sitting outside a spiritual NA office building if you will, with a little patch that says "God's child" stapled to my shirt, you know how moms used to do all of us back in the day.........

I am at a point where I get it.  I am throwaway Tiffani.  A means to an end for a better life for a lot of people.  I grasp the concept that when I cry, ain't no shoulder for me to cry on.  At least not this day, I can't blame Delmar.  He loves his family.  I love him.  That's life.  I endured a lot so that he could be in a position to be okay.  And that cost me a lot, spritually, emotionally.

B/c at the time I was helping him, it gave fodder to the thought that I was dumb, naive or retarded.......So not the case.  I love him to much to see him on the streets...  So I made a deal with God a long time ago......I asked him to help me get Delmar on his feet before I got me straight. I asked God to allow my enemy, mother dearest to have a peaceful holiday with her family.  Because I knew that would be her last.......

Well, time's up.  And God is looking me and I am looking at him.  You know how it is when you are in the midst of something, you don't have time to think or pay attention outside of the task at hand.  But spring is here...........spring cleaning is here to remind me, that it is time for some things to be put away.

There are truths that I can't run from.  Most of my life has been a lie.  Most of the people that I hold near and dear to me were around in my life for identity theft purposes.  And it hurts.  But it's allright.

I don't have anything else to say to God. 

He asks me if he wants me to stay because he and I both know that this is one of these nights.  One of these nights that Delmar ain't going to come home, no friends are going to answer the phone.  One of these nights where the truth about Tiffani will be revealed...........

I think about it. I think about the fact that no one is going to come pick me up.  I think about the fact that no one is going to tap my shoulder and say come home Tiffani.  I'm gonna take care of you, Tiffani.  It's hard............

I ask God to hold my hand and we sit there for hours.........There is nothing said, there is nothing to say, there is nothing God can tell me to change the truths of the betrayls in my life.

I fall asleep on his shoulder, and when I wake up he leaves me with this..........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIB9rKfBGnI

Arito's cover of Use somebody the acoustic version.

When I heard this arrangement, I just broke down.  I have gotten everyone else as set as I can and now it is time for me to get myself straight........

I could have used somebody last night.....But God felt like this song was all I needed so I listened to it over 100 times.....listening to it, right now.  John Mayer's rendition of Human Nature and Maxwell's cover of woman's work are the only two arrangements other than this one, to move me.

That song got me through last night...............

that song is getting me through this blog.

The point of the story is that God is so amazing that the same song, can be arranged to touch a totally different audience.  This version is slower, less rocky if you will, a definite r&b base to it, and the singer is rawer, pushes through his riffs with a little more soul than the original version.

We all going through something, so articles like Jonathan Martin  and John F. Harris' article in politico about how Palin is turning into the Next Al Sharpton, fall on deaf ears over here.

To say that it wasn't at time where Rev. Sharpton wasn't relevant is a lie.....

and to say her complaints are not valid is a lie as well.

What if Gov. Palin was to Rev. Sharpton , Arito is to Kings of Leon.........

just another arrangement of something that was created out of faith, freedom and fellowship.

What if both of these individuals served as God's creation to reach different folk at different times?

Whose to say?

Delmar and I didn't argue last night.  I played this song for him when he got in the house, we both have been listening to it non-stop.

You see, ladies, young and childish old ones, a man is not with you for you, a man is what you for how you make him feel about himself.

I didn't argue with him, about why he didn't call, I didn't argue with him with leaving me little money.  I don't care anymore.  You all have beat, cut, lied all of that out of me. 

We looked at each other.........And it times like last night, where we are both reminded that we are divorced.

It is times like last night, where he starts to realize that I am not some moron that doesn't give a darn about myself.  I am a woman who loves him with all of my heart and I am at a point where I gotta do for me now.....

So let me just say one more thing on a personal note and we are onto issues........because there is only so much I can handle in a day.

I don't know how else to tell you all and you all know who you are.  The only reason Delmar left me stranded in Los Angeles was to screw up my school.  I get it.  The only reason why his mom supposedly was so willing to help me after all of our years of contention was to keep the scam that she had going with my name.  She needed to make me look complicit in her fraud.

Due to the fact that not only is she involved in this fraud, but my immediate family members, I made a deal with law enforcement and with God.  I am not going after anyone for prescription fraud, medicare fraud........

For the larger things I am trying to address like #2012, I don't need cases after cases from Joe Blow talking about how he turned into a drug dealer because his back hurt, he got some pills, he got laid off and this is how he lives.....

I can't handle that much chaos in my life.  So I made a deal and the cases me and my team are pursuing involve children........Nothing else.  I can't be mad at my life.  I could have been raised where I am really from...  I can't be mad at people doing what they feel like they have to, i'm too old to be. 

But I drew a line.

Delmar told me yesterday that if given a chance, he is going to move back in his mom's house.  I told him to go ahead because I can't call anywhere his mother resided home.  Not b/c of personal mess, a house is a house especially in these days and times.  I looked Delmar in the eye and told him to go ahead, he told me he is leaving........He doesn't realize that when he left me in LA, how he left in LA, I knew this day was coming already...

I UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL RESIDE WITH ANYONE.  NOT WITH DELMAR'S MOM OR WITH DELMAR AT THAT HOUSE, NOT WITH ONE OF MY CRAYOLA'S WHO EVER SO CONVIENTLY CALLS WHEN THERE IS "TROUBLE" IN THE MIX.

DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND DALLAS, TEXAS?  THIS IS IT.  I DON'T CARE WHAT MY LANDLORD SAYS.........HE IS GOING TO TAKE THIS MONEY AND LIKE IT.  I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY NEIGHBORS NOT LIKING ME.  I DON'T CARE ABOUT LOSING DELMAR, BECAUSE IF HE IS WILLING TO LEAVE THE LOVE I PUT ON THE LINE EVERY DAY FOR HIM, TO SAVE SOMEONE WHO NEEDS...........NEEDS AN INTERVENTION IN HER LIFE, THEN IT'S LOST ANYWAY.

IT'S OVER.  AND I WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE THE THREATS ON MY LIFE THAT I HAD TO ENDURE THIS WEEKEND.

DO YOU GET IT POSTAL TIFFANI? YOU AND YOURS ARE GOING TO HAVE LEARN WHAT SOME MAN SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT YOU ALL A LONG TIME AGO............

When a certain type of person says, I'm through they mean it.  Respect it.  I am not moving in your mom's house knowing that your name is on it.  I am not going to save you all from jail.  Ever since I moved in this house, Delmar has done everything he could to sabatoge our home not for his own benefit, but on his quest to save "mama and sister"..........and that's okay, we all gotta do what we gotta.

Avenue F is my home.  That is the last address my name will appear on. There will be no moving into the home by ex-girlfriends of Delmar's that you all have sold my name to, there will be no more of this id theft.

It's over.........

I made a deal with law enforcement and God and I kept my word and they are going to keep theirs.  How can I feel at home in a place where some woman ordered hits on my life, ordered me to be beat down, not because of anything I did to her, all because I stumbled on Dallas County employees using their jobs to smuggle child sex slaves.......

Instead of getting Delmar to not bless me with his time, or not call or whatever childish crap, you all need to come up with, SPEND TIME WITH EACH OTHER.  SPEND TIME WITH AN ATTORNEY. UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS OVER AND IF THAT MEANS I LOSE DELMAR IN THE PROCESS, then God will walk me through that hurt.

I could have used somebody last night............I got feelings too.  And I know if I stay grounded and at my home, somebody sooner or later will show up to give me a shoulder to lean on.

PLEASE LET THIS BE ENOUGH......B/C I AM TIRED OF WRITING ABOUT IT.  I AM NOT BAILING OUT YOUR MOTHER, SHE NEEDS TO FACE THE FACT THAT IF ME STAYING AT HER HOUSE IS THE ONLY THING TO KEEP HER FROM LOSING IT, THEN FACE THE FACT THAT MANY FELONS HAVE TO FACE, it's gone.........

I don't owe you, nor Delmar, or any of you all anything..........I have done nothing the past six months, but forigven you for the hell you all put me through and stay away.

Issues.

if i can face the ugly, ugly truths of the betraryl that i have had the face for the past thirty six years, then I expect legislators who get paid for this to face the fact that we don't have any money.

EDUCATION WILL BE CUT, BARACK..........GET OVER IT.

YOU CAN SHOW AS MANY TEACHERS, CHILDREN BEGGING FOR THE TEACHERS ON TV, YOU WANT.  THAT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE FACTS. WE ARE BROKE.

SINCE YOU GIVING WAIVERS AWAY FOR OBAMACARE SO MUCH, WE WILL DEFUND IT.  WE CAN'T AFFORD IT.  FACE IT.

NO SENATOR HARKIN, WHEN EVERYONE IS COVERED AND NOT LEFT OUT, THAT IS NOT LIBERTY BROTHER, THAT IS COMMUNISM AND A MANDATE.....

LIBERTY IS JUST LIKE ARITO DID TO THAT KINGS OF LEON SONG, HE PUT HIS SLANT ON IT.  I DON'T NEED THE GOVERNMENT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY BODY. AND THAT'S ALL HEALTH CARE IS..........

WE NOT GOING TO HAVE NO AMERICA, FULL OF THREE MILE ISLAND SO WE CAN BE THE NEXT JAPAN.

WE ARE GOING TO BREAK DALLAS COUNTY OUT OF THIS PEDOPHILE PROBLEM ON THE SOUTHSIDE OF THE COUNTY.........

WE NOT GOING TO RAISE THE DEBT CEILING WITHOUT ENTITLEMENT REFORM FIRST.......

WE NOT GOING TO HAVE NO MORE CR'S................

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE THE FIRST FEMALE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE, IF NOT ALL FEMALE TICKET.................

YES, WE ARE GOING TO CUT FINANCIAL AID..........

YES, WE ARE GOING TO CUT THE TSUNAMI CENTERS...........

YES, WE ARE GOING BRING FISCAL SANITY TO THE BOOKS OF THE US GOVERNMENT.

YES, WE ARE NOT GOING TO LET GEORGIA GIVE OBAMA A BYPASS ON THIS BIRTHER REQUIREMENT...........

YES, WE WILL SUE AND FORCE BARACK TO SHOW HIS PAPERWORK IN COURT BEFORE HE GETS INTO OFFICE 2012.

YES, WE UNDERSTAND THAT THE PRIVATE INDIVIDUAL MUST PICK UP THE SLACK BECAUSE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CAN'T BAIL OUT NO COUNTRIES NO MORE.

YES, WE CAN'T SUPPORT LIBYAN REBEL FORCES BECAUSE GADAFFI IS ONE OF BARACKS'S SUPPORTERS.......BUT WE CAN KEEP THEM IN OUR PRAYERS.

YES, WE WILL CUT AND CUT AND CUT AND WE WILL NOT BE SHAMED ABOUT IT.

YES, BARACK AND ILLEGAL DALLAS, PEDOPHILE NATION, I AM HERE AND I WILL BE HERE.

WE HAVE TO FACE THE TRUTHS OF OUR LIVES.  IF THAT MEANS DELMAR IS GONE, I'LL BE OKAY.  HE IS A GOOD DUDE, MAYBE HE CAN FIND SOMEONE THAT HIS FAMILY WON'T LEACH OFF OF AND THEY CAN HAVE A GOOD LIFE.

IF THAT MEANS SOME FOLK GET DEPORTED, SOME FOLK GET IMPEACHED, SOME FOLK GET LAID OFF ON THE FEDERAL SIDE, IF SOME FOLK LOSE THEIR UNION CARDS, THEN Y'ALL WILL BE OKAY.

IT IS TIME FOR THE MESS TO STOP, PERSONALLY AND POLTICALLY.

NO MORE BEATINGS, NO MORE CUT UP CLOTHES, NO MORE THREATS TO LEAVE, WE ALL GOTTA DO WHAT WE GOTTA.

WE ALL GOT SOME UGLY TRUTHS WE GOTTA FACE TONIGHT, BUT WITH GOD'S GRACE AND UNDERSTANDING WE WILL GET THROUGH IT.

AND I GOTTA LIVE, I GOTTA A COUNTRY TO REPRESENT.  I GOT LOVE I HAVE FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN PUT ME FIRST

TIME FOR THE GAME TO STOP.

NOW TOMORROW MORNING, I AM GETTING MY HAIR DONE. AND BY 2PM TOMORROW WE ARE GOING TO END THIS CHAPTER.

WE ALL GOING TO CRY, GET MAD, WHATEVER.........BREATHE........GET OUR WOO-SAH ON AND GET ON WITH THE BUSINESS OF THIS COUNTRY.

I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE........NOR IS AMERICA AS WE KNOW NOW IT.

AND WHATEVER HAS TO BE DONE TO ENSURE THAT IS ALREADY IN THE WORKS....
Post a Comment