How are you? We have some real times in this chapter, we will have some good times in this chapter, we will have some bad times.
Right now, I am picking up steam, just a tad, check out @tmims50 on twitter, meeting a lot of different people....God is good, God is good. I am reaching inroads with my own black community as I don't think I have the luxury of saying african-american, (play on words.....let it go, private joke) anymore. Just learning, being humble at times( I know.......), and just seeing that a lot of things that I didn't want to hear didn't make them not true.....
I am going to go with a personal note this morning, we going to have a story and we are going to address in total, the three R's.
Anytime, it is apparent that Delmar and I are on the verge of enjoying a little more fiscal success, three things pop up, the "homeboys", the "family" and the "restrictions". I use those words loosely.......but just work with me. Clarifications are needed this morning.
I love Delmar. Trust I do. Enough to put his education before mine. Enough to make sacrifices so he wouldn't. I didn't do that so that he would be obligated to me, I did it because I love him. I do it because I love him. There is a tendency for "homeboys" to read these blogs and hear comments about don magic juans and services and relay the message to Delmar, man you gotta do what you gotta do.
"homeboys".................."homeboys", I took a case for that man when I could have just told my parents, family, and community it was all his fault so that he could have a chance to live his life......When you really love someone, you have no need for a leash nor a chain. Do you understand that I understand that my dear brothers............? I love Delmar enough to bet whatever sins I may endure in my future, whatever sins, my brother because he knows me and where my limits are drawn that whatever I do living my life, the life that the God I serve has blessed me with will be more than any other woman he could ever be with.
And if you gotta run through 100 pit bulls, mutts, is this even a dog? or whatever to realize the value of 1 billion dollar blue tibetian mastiff........... then so be it, we have already been through the book of John. I have no animosity towards Delmar, as much as I have learned from him.........
Levels........Levels.........I have no desire to hurt him, or shame him, despite my appearance, despite my lack of gold teeth, despite my lack of nicknames and tattoes, despite the fact that I will look like a hermit for 20 years in order to be the queen I am meant to be and rule my queendom until the day I stop breathing,
I AM A GOOD WOMAN, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER A CERTAIN DEMOGRAPHIC OF DALLAS COUNTY, OR AMERICA APPROVES OR NOT.
I AM 36 YEARS OLD, BABYGIRL, HAS FINALLY LEARNED HER WORTH, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY MY POTENTIAL.
I have no need to be Oprah, no need to be Hillary, or Sarah, Or Michelle, or Michelle, or Donna. I have a need to be me because I can't keep good people in my life if I don't start being honest with myself. And I looked in the mirror and I actually saw myself for what I am, for good and for bad. I embrace that now.........
I am not going to kill myself nor my spirit chasing what ain't meant to be mine. I've done that for too long.
"family" this is really more to my family. Let me explain something to you, all of my dear family off of camp wisdom road west of hampton, east of 67, north of 20, and south of bainbridge......My land. my land. I have no need to run your neighborhood, I ain't trying to come back, I don't want your hood trophies........baby, that's you. I am rich in the blessings God has for me.........
Don't you understand that? I don't fear nobody going out having no good time which they deserve, I don't worry about so and so don't want me to get a car in my name. BABY, GET OVER IT! LIFE IS LIFE. I don't care if it is that jag xf because that is what I want, you not riding. It's not material things, it is about the fact that cars will be registered by me in my name, B/C IT IS MY NAME. GET OVER IT! Realities, and relationships, and rights have been crossed, wronged, abused, and diluted..........
You all remember that night, I wrote about. Where I stayed outside NA, you know what I did? I remember every word, every word, every word whether it is was the sweetness of praise or the veracity of hard truths, that every real friend I have ever had in my life has said to me. That's why God didn't say nothing to me. Just because we don't speak............just because I didn't show it, THERE ARE THOSE IN MY LIFETIME who know who know, the truths they had the audacity to care enough about me to say are some of the reasons, I am still here now.
This path I have to walk on my own, but their voices, their words......always with me. Can't you se that "homeboys" and "family" just b/c someone ain't like you, don't mean they can't the same things accomplished you trying to do.
Because most of my real friends are women, and to make it in America, every woman gotta walk somebody's street. Not talking about sex, and all that. I mean, we all have to walk a street with some form of man on it. I had to grow up to understand the value and the deeper connatation of what type of man's street you chose to walk on, or walk with, has a lot to do with the paths you take.
My whole life is pretty much a lie. I get it. Yeah, the memories were real, but the details wasn't. My memories of my life will always be stained with the realizations that in my relationships my right to know what the heck was going on in totality with my life was violated...
I'm a big girl, I can handle it. It's allright,........Some of you all think I am bitter because I look broke up, feel broke up. Please..........At 21, I used to drive to Jackson to go kick in New Orleanes on GP, twice a month, I kissed the sky in Malibu, saw the depths of spritual oceans in Dustin, FL, I'm blessed if I died right now with the things that brings smiles to my face. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO MAKE IT CLEAR, I HAVE NO ENVY, NO WORRY, NO HATE IN ME, B/C I KNOW WHAT MY GOD HAS PREPARED FOR ME...................
I HAVE NO NEED NO INTEREST TO WALK ANOTHER'S PATH, but some of you all can't accept the fact that what you get from my name is done.
If I have to lose the man I love because of decisions we all make, then it's not going to stop me from loving him. I hope and pray that if I am not the woman for Delmar that the woman who is, treats him right. I would hope he would say the same about me, but men are selfish.........sorry. It is not about what I deserve, more than what he wants to hold onto. Any man sorry.
Sometimes, the realities of the relationship give you the right, to listen to the Reverand........
Let's just lay our heads on this pillow, hold your warm and tender body close to mine.
Hear the whisper of the raindrops
blow softly against my window pane late at night
make believe you love me one more time hey......
for the good times..........for the good times.
The Reverand Al Green, I was raised on that book by my mom's....
All I am trying to say is "homeboys" and "family" you all are going to get what you wanted, you wanted me and Delmar broke up, I can't say that it's not going to happen. But no matter what, no matter what relationships you all chose to sever, to abuse, to manilupate, what ever realities you chose to distort, to lie about, to tease about, whatever rights to buy WHATEVER I FEEL I NEED FOR MY LIFE, INCLUDING HEALTH, HOUSING AND TRANSPORTATION you feel like you need to threaten.
do you boo.
I don't have a master plan, no diabolical strategy. All I got is God's hands. And that's enough for me to walk into any battle.
So when I come home tonight, it won't be no holdups, no folk out in front of my house, no worrying about when so and so come in.
I value every moment I have had with Delmar, I DO, it is a blessing when we love, argue, fight and everything in between. But I love him enough to let him live his life, and I love me to do the same.
"homeboys".........the devil's pie you plotting and planning on is going to be a lot smaller than you think. Fair is fair, he got his world and his family is going to be in it and the drama and the attempts of identity theft in addition to the one my family is playing is not going to stop.
I am the fool. I am the throwaway. It is up to me to pick up the pieces of the lies I call a life and make do. Not him. Okay, be respectful in my presence and about my presence. It's time for us to live our lives with the relationships our realities have shown us to give to certain rights to. I am just not that high on the list with most of the people in my life. But as long as I am number one on my list, it's okay. I don't need "homeboys" nor "homegirls", nor "customers" nor "fiends".
May not have much, not even working, but I got friends and I got God and that's enough for me.
If it is going to take you seeing me, healthy, looking fantastic, feeling good, loving and living the life that I have not the one I thought I would, or you all think I should, then hey.........
all I can say is I have been trying to tell you that since last year when it was made clear to me, that as long as I have the audacity to keep somewhere to stay with my name or own property, have cars, basically a life, I am going to lose my family, Delmar and some friends. I get it, the ironic part is that I don't think you get that not only I have gotten it, planned and accounted for it and moved on.
I love Delmar, want to be with him, but I can't be around people that mean harm in my life and I can't ask him to not deal with family, me and family already know what's coming. I can't make my sister nor mom respect me as an adult, a functional one, i can't make my nephews respect me either. I can't. I am tired of trying. All I can do is be me and if no one is from my present, my past can be there, as long as I got God, I got more than enough.
Now off you go so that class can begin. Unless you want to talk about rights, relationships and realities.
I don't like the O'Riley show, I don't. I watch it, but I think Bill O'Riley is pompous, I am sure he thinks I am a nut job......Fair trade.....But I watch it for his culture warriors segment. As a woman without kids, and for the most part isolated for a variety of reasons right now, but none health related, I might add........., that segment gives me a chance to talk about women stuff, in my mind. Just stuff.
Last night, Gretchen, I hate to call you that but I can't remember your last name, from Fox's morning show and another woman were discussing this video of this young frail bully picking on this bigger child. Slapping him, punching him in the face, all this type of stuff and finally the young man just "Checks" him and slams him down. Now, I am not going to lie, I was estactic because I know what it is like to be picked on and finally you have enough. I was pissed that it was even being taped. I was informed that the children may have been staging a fight, but for the sake of this post, let's assume not. Let's assume that this frail bully was the aggressor.
Both children get suspended, why when the rights of this child were violated when his reality of the safety that the school is supposed to ensure regarding the nature of relationshp between students was compromised.
There is a movement in the schools to remove violence and in this society and I get it. But where I am concerned about is where is the line drawn between violence and the right to defend themselves.
Kids are going to fight, kids need to learn, you learn about yourself, that is a part of life. Get over it, confrontation is not absent.
Bullies are going to emerge, and so are bigger bullies. It is an ode to the natural instinct that lies dormant at times in all of us. The need to establish order on brutish, simple rules. Violence. That's life.
I know if that were my child, every Christmas present he ever wanted he would have gotten that day, because I am not going to raise a child to ever feel bad about DEFENDING HIMSELF. NO MA'AM, NO WAY. CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT.
Bullies are going to emerge in adult life and it is the silent attack of gun rights that the Obama administration is doing that is removing our right to defend ourselves. We have no need to worry about gay marriage, or don't ask don't tell. if we don't have the right to bear arms.
The founding fathers feared themselves in this sense, they gave us a cavaet, if you will with this constitution with this form of democracy. They indebted the security of the sanctity of our system in OUR HANDS. LEGAL AMERICAN CITIZENS. THEY PUT THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS IN ONE HAND AND THE CONSTITUTION IN THE OTHER.
It's cool to get permission of the UN, IF YOU NOT AMERICAN, BUT WE ARE NUMBER ONE, WE DON'T ASK NOBODY FOR PERMISSION TO DEFEND OURSELVES. LIBYA AND THE MIDDLE EAST ARE NATIONAL SECURITY ISSUES, IF MICHELLE OBAMA CAN MAKE THE ASSERTION THAT WHAT KIDS EAT IS A SECURITY ISSUES, THEN I RENDER THE ABILITY FOR OUR GOODS AND SERVICES TO BE TRANSPORTED, OUR ECONONMIC ECOSYSTEM'S RISK FOR CATASTROPHE IF YOU WILL IS A NATIONAL DISASTER,
WE NEED THAT OIL FOR PLASTIC, PILLS, AND WAY MORE THAN JUST GAS. AND OBAMA KNOWS IT WHICH IS WHY HE WANTS CHILDREN TO BE THE PRIORITY BUT WON'T LET PARENTS IN THE SOUTH WORK OR IN WEST VIRIGINA WORK, B/C HE AND HIS GLOBAL BUDDIES GOT CLEAN ENERGY ALL FIGURED OUT.
I am fearful of "Designs....." Obama, REMEMBER YOU AND NANCY PELOSI AND HARRY REID, DESIGNED OBAMACARE WHICH IS SO POROUS IN ITS LANGUAGE AND LOOPHOLES THAT EVEN ILLEGAL ALIENS LOOK AND SAY NOW THAT'S A LACK OF BORDER SECURITY.............It's crappy and nonconstitutional.
AND THEN YOU THINK I AM GOING TO LET YOU PUT NUKE PLANTS ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY, NEGRO HALF OF THE NATION AIN'T SURE WHERE YOU FROM.......
MAKE ALL THE JOKES YOU WANT TO, just be sure you ready to eat all those words.....and lick them clean too.
NO YELLING IN THE WHITE HOUSE, man please..............
TRUST THE TENSION BETWEEN BARACKS' TEAM AND MY TEAM SUPER BOWL SUNDAY HAD EVERY HAIR ON BOTH HIS TESTICLES SCREAM.........
PLEASE DON'T LET THOSE PATRIOTS......I MEAN PACKERS.........WIN.
He probably called and cussed out every God known to man, Allah, Buddah, and even Jesus got a text...........
All these are stories referenced by politico, I am hurting personally, don't feel like quoting everyone today, but I give enough reference you can find them http://www.politico.com/. Just because I am grown, don't mean I can't use a hug from time to time. We all get lonely.
I digress. All this Palin is hyper and Barack is all supercool is a load of bull. Look at some of those campaign speeches, where he is talking smack about climbing mountains and walking blocks, look how he looks at that reporter dude in the white house pool, I want to say his name is Mike James, but if not. Just look at the way anytime the microphone passes by that dude, you can see DARN! even on the teleprompter.
It's a sexist argument on its head. If Major Hasan did what he did under President Palin, I don't want her to react with coolness, I'd rather compassion, with passion being the operative word. I would for her to come and say, this stuff ain't going to ride America, we going to handle Hasan, don't worry, yeah, I want to send his butt to allah real early too y'all but we gotta let the system be the system.
What's wrong with that? B/c barack is too cool, huh?
I would love President Palin to not be cool when it came to Libya, not when the rebels are dead, but when the rebels had control and say, Gadaffi we told you and the UN ain't our daddy, we helping the homies.......Deal with it.........Deal with it.
I would love President Palin when Chavez gives her a book about how trashy America is to simply walk away and say "Todd, check this dude before I get impeached..........this is about America"
I would love President Palin to look a gulf worker in the eye and say I am only the boss of federal employees, who am I to tell you you can't work, matter of fact, let me take these shoes off, put my hair up................Michelle B, Mike Pence whomever the VP is, get some shovels, I got to help my people get back to work, I ain't worried about Brazil when Bastrop, LA is hurting......
Coolness, huh? Cool, calculating, crack cocaine..........hmm....................C's I don't think necessarily go the way I would like for someone at the helm of my ship.
Sen. Mary Landrieu, yes, I know who she is, has a good piece on politico about the value of small business, although it is a slant, TO REALLY SAY DON'T CUT THESE OBAMA PROGRAMS, they gone, but I think the mertis about small businesses make it a must read.
I would love for President Palin to say darn, some yelling at the white house, there will no failure, this is white house. There will no disrespect, this is the white house, there will no betting by the POTUS from making bets, this is the white house. There will be clothes, fully clothes and air conditioning where we all don't have the endure the Obama "essence, this is the white house.
There will no closed door deals down in the basement regarding health care, this is the white house. There will no more illegal aliens, or citzenship challenged individuals staying here, this is the white house. There will no more signing bills that no one has read, this is the white house. There will be no more backdoor earmarks(i keep telling you all on the hill, I don't miss a thing....right or left), this is the white house.
There will be no question of America's right to defend themselves at all times from all enemies foreign and domestic via Peter King if needed, this is the white house. There will no attorney generals tolerated tolerating countires suing our states, this is the white house. There will no cabinet member who can't do what I ask of every citizen to pay taxes on time, this is the white house.
There will no more borrowing money from China who wishes to be us, this is the white house. I cannot ask states to bear more collective barganining rights than I have to deal with it on a federal level, this is the white house. I will not question the intention of any Governor regardless if I agree with his or her methods to run his or her state as he or she was elected to do, this is the white house.
There will no be trips to Martha's Vineyards, while my citizens are out of work, y'all take y'all butts outside and play that East Lawn is big enough, this is the white house. We can't afford no more fancy state dinners, but I got a bomb mac and cheese cassarole, and Todd got the que in the backyard my citizens broke, this is the white house. No motown before my citizens can cash checks downtown, this is the white house.
THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE. THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE. THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE, MR. OBAMA.
UNDERSTAND THAT WE UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE WE ARE FIGHTING FOR, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SUFFER FOR, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LOSE SOME RELATIONSHIPS AND HAVE SOME DRINKS OVER IT FOR, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WALK ALONE FOR.
THIS IS THE WHITE HOUSE AS JULIE MASON OF POLITICO, GAVE ME THE MUSE FOR TODAY AND UNDERSTAND WE ARE DOING TO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO PRESERVE THE COUNTRY AND THE WAY OF LIFE IT STANDS FOR.
2012 BEGAN 36 YEARS AGO, BECAUSE NEVER IN MY LIFE OUTSIDE OF WANTING TO GET HIGH OR LAID, HAVE I EVER FELT THE NEED SO STRONGLY TO END THIS COUP.
This is the white house, Mr. Obama and we will not rest until you don't spend one more night in it. That don't make us racist, because both of my halves are black. That don't make me elitist, I got a broke half in man's world, and rich in God's world. That don't make me a ball buster, because I LOVE A MAN WHO CAN DO FOR HIMSELF, IT GETS ME "RECEPTIVE" BECAUSE I CAN THINK OF WHAT HE CAN DO FOR ME. That don't make anything but a citizen whose story will trump yours,not for me to be in office, but for those I feel won't renig on the rights of the freedoms that our faith through fellowships and relationships in this system provides us the chance to produce individualized realities.....
All it simply means, I am your opponent. The black patriot because I can go where Newt, Sarah, Michelle, and Michelle can't.
You know it and I know it.
They my brothers and sisters, some white, yellow, green and everything in between. But they my family.
Come on with it, You got brazilian tan lines, I got brazilian blood lines.......now what
We are going to fight on the issues, and we are going to win.
I saw the first twitter account for palin/bachmann, that's not necessarily the ticket I want, but it shows the message is spreading. We ain't worried about genitalia, we worried about heart.
The book of truths..........................
YOU ALL HAVE A VERY BLESSED, VERY BLESSED DAY. FROM MY MUSLIM FOLK TO MY CHRISTIAN FOLK TO MY ATHEISTS TO MY RASTAS........TO EVERYONE.
REJOICE BECAUSE THE POWER OF THE LORD IS NEAR, NO NEED TO FEAR WHAT MAN CAN DO TO YOU........
i'll be back tomorrow. gotta do some chores.