Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Book of Culture (Chapter 50)- the final chapter.........

Hello America,

How are you today?

First and foremost,

show me some love @tmims50 and @pendecadentdiva, one strictly political, the latter commentary on everything else.......

Show love to my brothers that blog.......Bluegrass Pundit, Rev. Tim Burt, Corruptician, Dallas South, Tiny Minds... the links are to the right

Show love to the fantastic five.  Michelle Bachmann, Michelle Malkin, Jedediah Bila, Sarah Palin and myself.  They have links to the right as well.

Well, well...........

The end of a very interesting book.  I think we all learned a lot.

Today is the day I got married twelve years ago..........I remember being so full of hope and dreams or so I thought, but it was my blind pride, my true hatred of being wrong....... and chosen delusions that empowered those dreams.

I am getting personal today because I owe you this........and we are leading into the next book and you need to know why.  Of course, Delmar came home last night after I expressed wanting to spend time with him.  There is no need to lie, the time where we are in each other lives is coming to an end.

Above all I consider him a piece to my childhood, a friend of sorts, and a part of my life that undeniably changed me.........My family and friends remark how being with him has changed me.......No it hasn't.  Just that time in my life brought out truths that I didn't want to see and eventually had to deal with.

It's not about me being good or him being bad just life.  Like today, we were talking about student loans, I put all of our credit load on him, so he would take care of us in the future.  Today, he remarks about his $200 payment is able to be deferred and how I am just sol.......not in those words.....And it used to hurt but I just thank God I am able to see it in perspective.  He doesn't grasp that my almost 200k of loans kept us with shelter, clothing, basic necessities........But he is his mother's child.  He can't see past his own needs and wants.  Never will be.  Not with me.

And that's allright, nothing wrong with that.  He's been locked up his whole life mentally and physically, this is his first time in the world getting able to do things and all that on the working side.  I went through that phase at 21........We just in different places.  I promised myself and God that I would accept the end of this book for what it was with no fuss......  ;)

I promised God and myself a little too much........

Just playing. let me tell a story, and we are going to discuss a couple of tidbits and then we are through.

Today is very bittersweet.

So in the spirit of one of our most precious gifts, fathers.....let's listen to this story.

Happy Father's Day to all of the dad's out there.......

After the Dallas Mavericks won, God came up to me and knocked on my office door.  This is in a metaphysical environment if you will, let your mind flow.........

Of course, I let him in.

He has transfer papers in his hands.  I notice them.  I see my name on them.  I don't say anything.  I simply pour myself a glass of very, very old and mature merlot.......and just let the aroma sedate me before taking a drink looking out of my very nice office corner window......I'm at level 42 these days......

God sits down on the couch and pours himself a glass of scotch.  It is truly one of those days.

We are looking at the Mavericks celebrate on the court, we are hearing the remnants of my broken heart hit the floor, we are feeling everything but celebratory.

"Well, Tiffani.........  You did what I asked you to do.  You used those men's journey as a testament to faith, to commitment, to teamwork and to me........Job well done.  You have a gift for popping grit, but it's okay babygirl.........Job well done, but you know that I asked two things of you, not just one....."

"I know.  I ain't running.  I ain't hiding.  I'm here.........."  I reply never looking at God.  Just staying of focused on the random acts of folk 42 floors down.

"Tiffani, I told you that when the Mavericks won, as I did assure they would win, Boston was just a nice surprise, but I told you you couldn't have the Mavericks and Celtics, didn't say anything about Boston not being represented in some kind of way..........I told you when they won, you owe the yoke of your personal life.  And I'm here to collect.........."

"Here to collect, huh?  Is that simple, God?"

"Well, actually it is Tiffani, it is just that you are one tenacious are a powerful, willfull force.  You can't never get to my level, but damn young lady, I do feel your presence at times........I do.  For a mortal creation, girl.........that is why this has been such a difficult and painful time in your life.  B/c you are so used to willing your way, and you needed to know that even you, great one, must obey and submit to my will........Now, granted, your heart is the only thing bigger than your ego, so I am not going to judge you too harshly.  You loved a man.  You wanted to see this man be okay.   And you have done that.  He's healthy, he's working, he'll be okay. But what about you?  and it is because of that, I made you sign to the second condition.  Time to let it go, Tiff......  let it go."

"Hmmmm.......  You know God I have never given up in my life.  I still got battles from the 6th grade, I am still working on rectifying......."

We both laugh b/c we know I am playing, but we know I am really not.

"I ain't never ran from nobody, God.  I ain't never just said I give up.  You know what you ask of me, yes?  You know you are asking me to do something fundamentally is not in the constitution of my character, no?  I totally dig what you saying, where you coming from.  But I can't understand why you just couldn't make the grit work out.  I held my end of the bargain and I held it well.  Do you know the riducle I would have had to hear if Miami won, if Dallas didn't......?  Man, we had a holy war on the court, not that court, but you know what I'm saying.."

God is quiet.  He looks at me.  It's been a long time.  In some ways, I am still as raw and edgy as ever, but only God and I know the many scars I have endured over the years.  I am nowhere the warrior that I used to be, but I am a better public servant than I ever hope to be.......

"You know, Tiffani, I know how much you prayed for a resolution to this situation, getting your aaliyah on........I do.  Nobody else will ever know that, no one else will ever believe you.  You have to prepare yourself for that.  Nobody will ever understand your earnest attempts to get this fraud straight.  You took undercover to another level....."

We laugh as this is true.

"You know, Tiffani, I know all the times you tried, I know all the times I gave you just enough to keep going.  I was there the whole time and b/c so many left you b/c of those choices you have become a tad bit self-absorbed......."

"Is that so, God?  Really, somehow, someway it is going to be my fault?  Dude, I can't win with you, and you wonder why me and Lucifer still be playing spades on occasion........"

God is slightly riled....... He's a jealous one.....

"Tiffani, I am not saying it like that, you had to insulate yourself.  What those people did to you, they will never be able to do to you again?  Now they voted your ass out of Dallas, no doubt, but it was with love, can you understand that?  Everyone is not bad people, Tiffani.  Some people left because they couldn't handle seeing you like that.  Everyone ain't as strong as you.  Tiffani.  It's not cool seeing you get ducked over, now granted, I had a lot to do with that, but I told you when the season ended, this fascade you call a personal life would end, and I am not leaving this office until you give that yoke to me.  I have your transfer papers in my hand. 

I love you, Tiffani.  I do, but I will beat your ass all over this court if you fight me on this.  You not going to win, dawg........You just not.  B/c even if you win, Imma ensure you lose........ Trust me, Tiffani, let go.  I'll take care of Delmar, he is a good dude, but he's content to be at his moms, chilling and living life.  He made decisions he alone must be held accountable for, can't tolerate you taking the hits for his behavior no more.  Let me rephrase, I am not.  Not playing with you today, Tiffani.  I am not.  You healthy, you walking around, you having memory laspes in this heat, all over some id theft, all over some trying to not break the vows you made to me.

You never broke your word to me, Tiffani.  You never did.  I need you to understand that.  Never.  Never let me down"

I never look away from the window, but I can feel the tears down God's face just as easily as I can feel the tears from my face, fall.  The wine is so amazing I am only on my third sip.

"Tiffani, you never stood a chance.  How in the hell you made it this far down this road, I don't know, but I am going to assume Lucifer had something to do with it, yes?  B/c we have been having this conversation for the past year. ...... Give me that yoke, Tiffani."

"I don't have it, God.  I don't.........."

Now God is really pissed......truly.......

"Dammit, Tiffani, I told you to have that yoke ready for me, the mavs won Sunday.  I gave you seven days, dawg......I am so not playing with you"

I feel God's wrath upon me.  I can feel the heat of his fury on my skin.

"Never said I didn't know where it was dude.....Just said I didn't have it, It is on my desk."

Sure is placed on my desk, wrapped up nice and neat b/c that's just me.  Just a box that says my time with D.

God looks, his anger is starting to be diluted with compassion.........


13 years of my life, God sees I have placed in that box.  He can tell by the care I took to wrap it, that I must have done this a couple of weeks ago.  

"Tiffani, why didn't you just say that........?"

"B/c I wanted to see if you trusted me to hold up my end.  I wanted to see if you respected my word."

Moments pass, that seems like hours, like lifetimes.  I look at my window, almost through with this stunningly heavenly glass of wine, I must thank St. Pete on my out.  

"God, you got my papers, I gave my word that if Kunkle lost I would leave.....  I have to honor that.  I have to end the fraud at that house.  I can't put my name back on anything else.  I have to get my money up and I have to leave.......I don't think you wanna know the felonies I am considering in order to get that done.  You didn't trust me and that hurt more than putting that box together......Folk can think I was stupid, but you know I wasn't.  YOU KNOW what I was trying to get straight......I thought you would think more of me.  I never break my word."

"Tiffani......."(his voice breaks.......) "Tiffani, it wasn't like that.........."

"God, no disrespect, but I gotta leave b/c I am just a means to an end down here.  I gotta leave because I asked you, pleaded with you, law enforcement and everything in between to get things straight.......And you left me hanging dawg, you just left me there and let these folk trample all over my life for the sake of 'human rights........'.  What else is the duck is what supposed to be like?  I am sorry for the pushing me, and I am trying to remain silent but you coming at me with that sideways grit.  I don't like it.  Don't like it all.  You did what you meant to do for who you wanted.  Just wasn't me........  No matter how much fame or fortune is to come out of this ,THIS WAS MY LIFE DAWG.... MY LIFE. Give me the papers, God.  I am not going to waste this bottle of heavenly wine fooling with this today........ the box is on the table"

"Same ole' Tiffani.......Always the consummate professional, huh? I can dig it. You ain't concerned about what life has in store for you next, whether someone will love you, none of those corny questions, will mother dearest and hers get justice......?"

"Why?  I can't do grit about it.  My faith in you is not dependent on my approval of your means or methods otherwise I would have got that place in hell.  I got some suntan spf 50000 ;)  I think I would have been okay.........

I don't want to be here, I love my family.  I do.  I love my friends.  But this is not my life, here.  You don't do people that way.  You don't leech off of folk and keep them in your face.  I gotta let this house go to eviction, just so no one will come behind me and try to use my identity at that address......  Just look out for me dawg, while I get this money up.  I ain't mad, but I am hurt and nothing you say is going to change it, this post is getting long, I am tired.  I have to finish this book, and I wanna go.......

Can't nobody walk this path for me but me.  You know the kind of questions I am going to receive.  The only thing that I am truly thankful for is that now that this chapter is ended I just saved 80k in having to pay an enemy but other than that.  It is what it is.  It's just my life.  So come on with it.  I love you with all my heart, but you be on some foul shady grit regards to me.  Give it to me."

God walks over and hugs me..........But I can't hug him back.  I am thankful as there are lessons and memories I have with Delmar that I will always cherish.  ALWAYS.  there are people that I have met through him regarding him that I hold dear to this day.  There are people awaiting when God walks out that door with that box in his hands and tells his people, she gave up, she submitted that are ready to storm my office with love and affection and what took you so long, women........especially women of color mince no words.......

But the larger issue of identity theft, of those who did it getting away.   Al liscomb a long time Dallas politician who passed away.......walks down the hallway.  doesn't say anything, he knows exactly what I am talking about.  I nod to him and ask God.

"He gets to make it huh, gets to live a full life, these folk get to say, Delmar did her wrong......but we get to live, stay out of jail.....  The only one who gotta move around is me, huh, God?  Only one gotta leave and hear the congrats for making it, but bury the cries of why didn't you stay by my side is me, huh, God?  We can never be that cool, let these mofo's make it, I understand they your children, but.......... wrong is wrong.  At least that's what you tell me when you whooping my ass, I guess I am not underprivileged enough or foolish enough to not know better,huh?"

God looks me dead in my eye, and I look at him back.  Just to show him, it is buttnaked here, there is no lies, this is all raw, unedited truth.

"Tiffani" his voice gets eerily quiet

"Tiffani, it is ducked up and it will always be.  They get to make it, and you have to bear all of this debt, all of these problems.  No need to lie to you.  I am not going to lie to you.  Not going to lie that your life belongs to me, and it is not a requirement for you to like what I do with it.  You are a voice, Tiffani.  The things you have been through ........Girl, you have a a forest gump miniseries for at least six months, if you wanted.  But I feel you.....  Be nice to your friends, Tiffani.  they do love you.  THE BATTLEFIELD YOU WAS ON, ONLY HAD ROOM FOR YOU.  They was watching from home, every touchdown, every dunk, every goal, every strikeout......they was there.

My Tiffani....... my soul assassin.....  Girl, your hands are bloody with souls.  Tiffani, you don't have to leave Dallas, these are just transfer papers."

"Some things you can never wash off, God.  You just can't. Give me the papers, dawg.  no offense.  And let me have a moment to myself. Can't sit by and watch folk that have screwed over me and not do nothing about it........We both know that.  I don't work that way.  I am tired of getting into it with you.  I am human.  I ain't Jesus so just give it to me, man and go on.  I'll be homeless before I stay with my parents.  Dawg, I am sick and tired, literally.  You saved your folks, your saved your illegals, you saved your people.  You won, can't that be enough for you today?  Not trying to hear that today. "

He does.........and he leaves........

He takes the box.

My spirit is lifted the moment he walks out of the door, because I know its over.  My marriage, my relationship with someone who I thought would be in my life for ever, my belief in this system, my belief in good deeds being rewarded all that's life as I know it is gone.....for a variety of reasons

God is outside the door, slumped up against crying........

St. Pete comes to the door, and remarks "What did she say.........I told Tiffani not to be gulping that mess down......"

God stops him "No, she's allright.  She's allright, she does everything I ask of her, doesn't complain much at all...She has total faith in me to lead her where she needs to go. But she don't trust me with her feelings and that hurts......."

"Well, God you do kind of screw her over in that department, a lot.   But she is your voice, just part of the job......she'll be okay, she'll bounce back.  You gotta come home........something went wrong at the club last night, and I don't think Tupac and Bob Hope gonna be kicking it no time soon, work is calling....."

"You think she'll ever call me again, she'll ever depend on me again to look out for her personally.......?"

St. Pete looks in my office, I am still looking out the window, never touched the paper on my desk.

"No.....she won't.  You left her hanging one too many times.  But she will always be around to tell your truths, she is the consummate professional.  She gave her word.  She won't break it"

I listened to that exchange.......I didn't go outside to say something b/c St. Pete was right.

I opened up the transfer papers for my new job, my new assignment.

I laugh through the tears.....

God has just as big of capacity to be an asshole as me........

and that's the end........

The book of culture because you have to be familiar with the Americana I am using to explain these talks with God, these walks we had with God's truth in our hands.  That was played out so magnificently by whom?




Well, people, that's the end of the book of culture.  We have had books of fiscal truths in the book of paul ryan, the book of oprah broke the game down, being strong and courageous in the book of john boehner that is....., the book of kayne, I could go on and on.

Tomorrow, I am going to start my newest book.

It is a spinoff from the book of culture actually.  I hope that you like it, I think you will actually.  It is black music month, it is juneteenth today.  The day the slaves realized that they were free two years later, including myself.  I must get back to politics, b/c someone Lawd have mercy has given Pelosi back a microphone, these grey hairs, just keep coming and coming everytime I see her opening her mouth.

As far as me personally, that's it.  It's over.  He has to live his life.  I have to live mine.  He has a mom to go home to and sister.  Me, I can never go home again.  Too much stress, I can't take it.

Just like the Canucks and the Heat, I gotta rebuild.  But just like the Mavericks and the Bruins, I won b/c I won my life back.  And trust, it was harder than it looks........

Am I mad at God? no  Do I have anything substantive to discuss with God on a personal level? no

There is no need for no "he gone" party or none of that.

Just focusing on getting 4 g's for school and paying for my surgery.  I don't know what I'll do yet with the house, but I am leaving Dallas.  Even if I don't leave per se, I'll be in other cities, may simply come here to rest  literally.    Probably if I can buy this house, b/c I like having property. I am not going to reveal what was on those papers, but it was real........

some of that last king of scotland real.....

 Anyway, I going to let

A DADDY say the benediction and we are gone........

Al Pacino's character in one of the greatest sports movie's of all time.

Any Given Sunday.

An Acting Daddy from the moment he decided to play some little lawyer trying to understand his dad's gangsta world in the Godfather.

An actor who has taken a variety of roles, including scent of a woman which I would have never seen without Delmar, military, criminal, but always had that element of cockiness and coolness find its way into every role.

Come on, today Rev. Coach.

bless us with the truths we need to close this book.

Bless us.

I don’t know what to say really.
Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives all comes down to today.
Either we heal as a team or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch, play by play till we’re finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen believe me and we can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us or we can fight our way back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.
Now I can’t do it for you.
I’m too old.
I look around and I see these young faces and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh…. I pissed away all my money believe it or not.
I chased off anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately, I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror.
You know when you get old in life things get taken from you.
That’s, that’s part of life.
But, you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.

Because in either game life or football the margin for error is so small.
I mean one half step too late or to early you don’t quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast and you don’t quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game every minute, every second.
On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know when we add up all those inches that’s going to make the fucking difference between WINNING and LOSING between LIVING and DYING.
I’ll tell you this in any fight it is the guy who is willing to die who is going to win that inch.
And I know if I am going to have any life anymore it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.
Now I can’t make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you.
Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes down to it, you are gonna do the same thing for him.
That’s a team, gentlemen and either we heal now, as a team, or we will die as individuals.
That’s football guys.
That’s all it is.
Now, what do you gonna do?

I am a psych major, who is very, very, very good at what I do.  Trying to save a nation, not my feelings or now lack of personal life.

What are we going to do Team America?

inches, blades of spiritual grass, pieces of metaphysical mud are all that seperate us from this nation as we know it and pure fiscal chaos.......

I am still willing to fight and die for that inch because in the end........

because in the very damn end, that is what living, that is what this is all about it.

What do you have left in your tank?

God Bless, be back tomorrow.  It is hard, no need to lie, to live my truths so publiclly, but with God's grace.
Imma fight today, and if blessed to, imma fight tomorrow.
take care, God Bless..........

the end of the book of culture.




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