Friday, June 22, 2012

The Book of Sacrifice (Chapter 28)

Hello America,

No I didn't watch the game last night... I didn't need to.

I've known this moment was coming for awhile which is why I wasn't supposed to write until today.

I lost one of best friends yesterday....

My beloved Aunt Azalee Bowie.

When everyone from my mom to friends I thought would be there for life, turned their back on me out of pain, out of lack of understanding of the roads God had placed me on.

Two people, never faltered.

My grandmother who passed away several years ago and my aunt.

For those who have been following this blog for awhile, know my grandmother's death and the fact that I was locked up over something stupid and the guilt I felt because of that is why I left Dallas and my marriage the first time.

It was the catalyst that started the changes in my life for you to hear from the person you do today....

That guilt motivated me to do a lot of housekeeping, but it served as a source of a lot of pain.

When someone who I feel got  love for me....  passes... My spirit knows before my conscious does.

So yesterday, I had been crying... And silly me had been thinking because I am getting old.  Lebron and Kevin and all these new names are the faces of the NBA...

the ones that raised me like Bird, Thomas, Clyde, Shawn Kemp,... them days long gone.

I was mourning yesterday because of the lessons that our children are being taught from the game today.

I was mourning because sooner or later, I can't avoid this grey hair... I have two single strands ;)

I cried all through work and around 1, I slept.

When I woke as I had to go back to work, my sister let me know my aunt had passed.

I cried because I love her. I am going to miss her....  I know her spirit is around me, but those conversations... I had with her, 84 and keeping it real... I can't have anymore.

But I also cried because a yoke of mine was lifted I guess as Lebron's was to in a way.

For this time, I made sure that she saw me clean, ex-husband free, that she knew I was strong, she was pretty impressed with moving Chicago... she worried.  but that she saw me in a way that brought her peace...

I took my dad, my sis and my three nephews to see her and love on her.  Only trip I've made outside of Dallas since returning from Cali....

and that fact brought me peace.

She passed in a hospital bed after my cousin who is her granddaughter, granny i'm allright... you can go now... and she did.

By the time the game came on, other situations that are of no concern came up, but I did watch the first quarter to make sure my Thunder babies were going to be okay.  There is enough heat fans, king james subjects... I didn't need to worry about that.

I watched safehouse instead....

And by that night, God didn't come for me, the devil did.......

And he took my dreams and my spirit back to somewhere very familiar, hell...

He didn't treat me bad, offered me all kind of careers and "options" if I changed my stance... kissed the King's ring.... give him and the game and David his props.  Bow down like everyone else. Get high, do something as this has been a trying week far beyond a basketball game.....

It was a long night.............

I got the migraine today to prove I didn't take up that offer ;)

So this morning.......  God comes in visitation to see me.

I'm cleaned up, tailored suit, Chanel shades black as my skin.....

I turn my back to God and look out of the window....

One thing about being locked up, is that you don't get to see outside or be outside enough.

I know God has allowed the devil to take my soul through hell, we've been through this before and I know I won't be knowing a restful slumber until my zip changes..

God remarks.... " You broke my rules... and plus your aunt was really tired.. You didn't need to see hear like that.... For part of your strength comes from her...."

The tears fall well below my shades and me and God can both hear them..... on this actually very well cut the suit Lucifer got me for me " I know.........."

God continues " I know it scares you to no end, that there will be no children and grand children and the like at the end of your journey....  I see Lucifer emphasized in your 'interrogation' last night....."

I simply reply " He did, it does... but I'm allright"

God pauses for a moment, review his file even though it just an act to buy time, there is nothing he doesn't know.

"Heard you stayed at work, you did your homework... well most of it, and you stayed sober......during a pretty rough week..........."

After a long sigh... that some probably felt as storm

"You know Tiffani, Lebron nor David, bad guys, they just trying to make it on the paths I have put before them.... they both took to heart your words.........  "

I reply with a longer sigh...I am tired.  "Never was about them, was about you.  I know i broke your rules.. but I couldn't let those young men on the other side sit there confused thinking its something they did......... that someone else's hand didn't touch the court, even if just for a couple of moments... I know what is like to be made a fool of.. to be told nah... this person need it more than you, you'll have other chances........ and YOU of all people know that because you are the one who told me.............."

God is angered and hurt........

"You know Tiffani, that insistence of teaching me something is what turned Gabriel into Lucifer, it's why I clipped his wings......"

"Man, the only thing I've ever wanted has been taken away for good........ my wings don't need clipping, I ain't him, I don't fight or live for me anymore.  Fun is a group, not a reality in my life. You know that.  I work for you.  I didn't rebuke you last night, I thanked you for removing that burden from Lebron's life, from my auntie's life, from my life.....  You got it there in your file"

God asks his assistants to leave..........

His growing anger lights up my suture line to whatever clarity fatigue robbed, it is back now.

" I told you to think about husband #2 to settle need to deal with someone stronger than you in your personal life....."

I reply as the pain is so much, the tears have stopped..........

"Yeah, girlfriend number #6 talked to me about it for like four hours about it the other night....She's made me aware that this won't be too long.... I'm not ready for all that right now.

 Man, I am not mad... Go be you, Go worship with your folk.  I brought this on myself, I ain't running from it, I'm not going to change.  I am not going to say Lebron's the King because the Heat won, not just him....... and the games that you allow David and Obama etc.... to pull, man this your world....

I know you ain't getting me out no time soon, I know I gotta stay here in hell before I can leave Dallas but I'm still leaving, so I'm cool .. I'm too old to lie...  Just give me my time because you gotta protect your children and your love don't honor citizenship status.........  I know you gotta go celebrate for and with your 'king' .... I want to go back to my cell, I got approved for the work release program so I gotta go to work"

God lets me feel it...... a couple of times.. just a tad of his wrath.....

and demands say something......

And after God takes a drop of his tear, lets it fall on my face that feels like a gallon...

and he sits me back up, I didn't last as long as all, but it doesn't mean I gave God what he wanted either.

Me and him sitting there looking at each other for about 10 minutes, hell, that waterboarding hurts ;)  I'm bruised... I'm hurting, I catch my breath.

My God, baby, I'm too old be here and lie..

Ain't afraid, no longer surprised
on the road you simply call my life
So I spent most of last night
telling my cousin rest, Aza's home
Just be strong, her battle is now won

I know you here to put me in place
I understand that I interfered
I sacrificed so others can run their race
I aint running from what you got
I'm just tired of the games you let pass G
Good Guys sometimes come in second
Hard to not take it personally

Oh, now go, walk out the door
Not questioning your how
I'm too old to go through what for
No longer scared of who will be there when I die
or even try and crumble?
My God, I am too old to lie

I dont have to try, love does reside
I fear no wrath from above
I know you'll keep me alive
'Cuz its my sacrifice to give
And I got all my love to give
And I will survive, I will survive
[ Lyrics frosava
ge/i_will_survive.html ]
Ain't going to change and go the company way this time.

If growth occurred then, I'm glad I did my part
I ain't ready for husband #2 to mend my heart
Not trying to disrespect that young man's night
This ain't about myself, aint about my plight
But Kevin had to leave with his head high

Dont matter to me, that most have no clue
Not some bitter ass woman
That got things to prove to you
I know you chose who is to win
my solace is that the others free
from thinking it was them troublin'
versus your righteous destiny

Oh, now go, walk out the door
Not questioning your how
I'm too old to go through what for
No longer scared of who will be there when I die
or even try and crumble?
My God, I am too old to lie

I dont have to try, love does reside
I fear no wrath from above
I know you'll keep me alive
'Cuz its my sacrifice to give
And I got all my love to give
And I will survive, I will survive

If you wanna know do I need you?
No, no, no
I will, I will, I will, I will survive

So long, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye
So long, bye, bye, bye, bye
So long, bye, bye, bye, bye
So long, bye, bye, bye, bye

So long, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye
So long, bye, bye, bye, bye
So long, bye, bye, bye, bye
So long, bye, bye, bye, bye

I will, I will, I will survive
I will, I will, I will survive

I will survive (Aza's Verses)
Written by Tiffani E. Mims

And God looks at me......

He's hurt, I'm hurt.

And he tells me ................

One week in the hole Tiffani, and when you come out, you write for both...teams... for two weeks.

And I suggest you come with it.

Congratulations Miami, and I'm not being an ass.....

Don't think this blog is about me winning... for had I known about my Aunt, I wouldn't have wrote yesterday... but we all have to obey his will and his ways...

Compliance is not dependent on comprehension.

It won't be fair for me to write right now because me and God and the devil apparently got issues....

But as always .... the team that meant to win, did.

Give me until next week.

We taking the flight 252 and 277 next week from LA to Miami....

and fyi, its not that I don't need God in my life....

I don't need him in my ear right now, I'm gladly going to my hole.

My aunties gone....

I will be back next Thursday.....

take care

Rest in peace, Aunt Aza...

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